Title: To Start Again (1/4) Author: Erin M. Blair E-Mail: eblair@sonic.net Classification: SRA--Story, Romance, Angst Content: Pre-XF. Mulder/Scully Romance. Spoilers: Pilot. Small spoilers for all the episodes up to Season 6. Archive: OK to archive at: Gossamer, Church of X, EMXC, Xemplary, and SEFAMSRN. Others: ask me first. Please forward to ATXC. Disclaimer: They're not mine. Chris Carter owns them. Summary: A secret revealed. Selective memory loss. Can love survive over time? How do you face the future when your love returns? -------------------------------------------- TO START AGAIN (1/4) Written by: Erin M. Blair -------------------------------------------- FBI Building X-Files Basement Office March 6, 1992 From his desk drawer, Fox Mulder took out a white envelope which was simply addressed, 'Fox.' He opened it, carefully, to take out two wedding rings. A slip of paper fell out, and he bent down to pick it up. It was a handwritten letter from his wife. Through his teary hazel eyes, he tried to see the words on the paper but to no avail. *It doesn't matter, I already know what it says.* He could clearly remember the devastation that he'd felt when the doctors told him that his wife had suffered a severe case of selective amnesia following the car accident on the way from their summer house on Martha's Vineyard. She didn't remember him. She didn't remember their engagement. She didn't remember their marriage. She didn't remember their young daughter, Katherine. However, she did remember her career in the FBI. She remembered her parents and siblings, but she didn't remember him. The doctors and her family told him to divorce her. With her parents signing on her behalf, his marriage was over. He was a single father now, and he was raising his little girl with the help of his mother. It was his daughter's fourth birthday that day, and he wished to God that his ex-wife would remember them. *I still think Dana as my wife. At least, that's what she was to me when I last saw her. I know that she would never have left me of her own accord.* He grabbed a tissue and wiped his tears. The memories of his wife were painful. To this day, it was hard for him to find the words to express what had happened. He put the paper back in its envelope, and he picked up his wedding ring. He noticed an inscription on the gold band, and he read it aloud. "Fox. Forever Yours. Love D." *I have to move on with my life. I know that it wasn't meant to be. My marriage never existed anyway.* Mulder heard a knock at the door, and he knew who it was. *My new partner.* Quickly, he put the wedding ring in his desk drawer along with the letter and his wife's wedding band. He put the file relating to the Oregon case on his desk. "Nobody here except for the FBI's most unwanted!" He turned towards the door, and took off his glasses. There she was. *Dana.* "Agent Mulder, I'm Dana Scully. I've been assigned to work with you." Although it had been a year since he'd last seen her, Mulder still thought that she looked beautiful with her long, auburn hair and azure blue eyes. There was no hint of recognition from her, which made it all the more painful for Mulder as he recalled the memory of being told that she would never remember him. "How nice to be suddenly so highly regarded. So who did you tick off to get stuck with this detail, *Scully*?" He decided to emphasize her maiden name to see if she said anything. "Actually, I'm looking forward to working with you." Scully looked at him with fierce determination. *What's with him?* "I've heard a lot about you." "Oh really? I was under the impression that you were sent to spy on me," Mulder said. *They're probably laughing at the thought that my ex-wife and I are partners.* "If you have any doubts about my credentials, I---" *I know her credentials. At least, she still remembers that. I don't even have to look at her personal file to find out the details.* "You're a medical doctor. You teach at the Academy. You did your undergraduate degree in physics. 'Einstein's Twin Paradox: A New Interpretation' Dana Scully's senior thesis." He paused, as he gave her a small smile. "Now that's a credential, rewriting Einstein." "Did you bother to read it?" *Dana, you know that I did. I read it a thousand times. Memorized it.* "I did. I liked it. It's just that in most of my work, the laws of physics rarely seems to apply." Pleasantries over, Mulder got right down to business, flipping off the lights and turning on the projector. The slide showed the corpse of a young girl lying face down on the forest floor. Then next slide was a close up of three little marks on the deceased woman's lower back. "Let's see how good you are at chemistry. Can you identify those marks, Agent Scully?" "It looks organic. It could be anything. Bug bites, maybe?" Mulder looked at her, and nodded. "We're going to Oregon tomorrow." He made a comment to her about arriving at the office bright and early. As she left the room with a small smile, he saw a glimpse of the woman he loved. *I have to act like she doesn't matter to me but it's going to be a lie. I still love Dana.* Fox Mulder's Apartment Alexandria, VA July 7, 1994 Scully walked into Mulder's apartment, and she sat down at his computer. She was trying to find where he went. When she logged into her e-mail account, his message hadn't said anything where he was going. *Where are you, Mulder?* When she saw the screen requesting a password, she typed in a few guesses such as "Samantha" but then she got in with "TrustNo1." "I had this gut feeling that he'd use it," Scully said as she smiled. She saw the coordinates, and she started the printer. As the document was printing, she opened Mulder's desk drawer to get a pen. She saw two wedding bands, and she took one out to see it close up. "Fox. Forever yours. Love D." *Who's D? Who was he married to?" All of her thoughts regarding Mulder's marriage were quickly dashed when fellow agents came bursting into his apartment. She took the printed document, and left. She had to save Mulder before they found him and figured out his secret. Arecibo, Puerto Rico July 9, 1994 Scully arrived in near the lab obversatory where Mulder was. She looked around as her eyes adjusted to the dim light. Everything was in disarray. Papers were strewn all over the floor, and then she saw Mulder. He was laying on the ground, so still, that she thought he was dead. "Mulder?" His hazel eyes fluttered as he focused on Scully. Briefly, he forgot she was his partner, but his wife. "Dana, I had an awful nightmare..." "Mulder, it's me, Scully. Do you know where you are?" Then he became fully awake. He got up on his feet, and he put his hands on her shoulders. "We've got solid proof. Evidence." He paused. "They were here, Scully." "Mulder, we've got to go," Scully said with a sigh. She was mystified why he called her 'Dana' in a very intimate manner. She would ask him about that later, but now, they must escape the UFO retrieval team. Mulder Residence Annapolis, MD January 5, 1991 Mulder heard his wife groan, and felt her tossing in the sheets beside him. He could feel the smooth satin of her white nightshirt against his body. His voice became low and soothing as he started to overcome with worry. "Did you have another nightmare again?" Dana nodded. "Yes." Mulder's brow creased with concern for his wife. "Dana, why don't you tell me about it? Does it have to do with your job at the FBI?" Dana shook her head with a sigh. "No, that's not it. I like my job teaching forensic medicine at Quantico. It gives me more time to be with you and Katherine." Her eyes lit up at the mention of their two year old daughter, momentarily forgetting the pain that the nightmares had caused. "Then what is it?" "It's that same nightmare. I'm having it over and over again." Mulder's eyes were full of concern for his wife. He knew about her nightmares as she had been having them for months. Lately, their regularity had been intensifying, coming every night for the past week. "I thought that it ended when Katherine was born." "I thought so too. My nightmare's back now. It started when we talked about our trip to the summer house last week." "Maybe we shouldn't go," Mulder suggested, thoughtfully. "If the nightmare's telling you that this car accident will happen during our trip, maybe we should just stay home. I want to be with you." Dana looked at Mulder's concerned expression, and she sighed. "We already have the time off, Fox. We already arranged for your mother to take care of Katherine. We both need a vacation, and I think that this trip would be a good idea." "It doesn't sound like a good idea now." He paused. "Why don't you tell me what happened in this dream?" "All I know is that I suffer from selective amnesia. I remember everything...but I don't remember you. I don't remember our marriage. I don't remember falling in love with you. I don't even remember giving birth to our daughter!" Mulder saw how his wife clenched the covers in fear, and he pulled her into his embrace. With a gentle touch, he stroked the small of her back to reassure her. He knew that these nightmares were intensifying, and he always tried to soothe her as best as he could. He looked into her eyes, and saw the despair that the nightmares caused. "Is there something else?" Dana nodded. "Yes." "What?" "In my nightmare, I saw you. You were so devastated at what happened to me that you lost faith in us. Most of all, you lost faith in me. You closed yourself off. I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen to us. I'm going to write a journal and I'm going to put all our photos in albums...and I'll write letters to you." "How's that going to prevent it? Dana, I thought that you didn't believe in psychic dreams..." "Normally, I don't. This one struck me to the core. It's so realistic, Fox. I know that you're not sure about the photo albums and the journal and the letters, but they will help me recover my memories back if that car accident happens." "How so?" "You're going to give me them in the hospital. You have to fight for me, Fox. You have to fight for our marriage, and most of all, I want you to fight for our daughter. Will you promise me?" Mulder looked at her hopeful expression, and nodded. "I promise." "Thank you," Dana whispered. "I promise that I'll always be with you--just like our wedding bands say." She got up from their bed, and Mulder followed her into their daughter's bedroom. She look at Katherine, sleeping, in her bed while she smoothed her daughter's auburn hair. "She looks so beautiful." "I know." "Katherine looks like me." "She does look like you, Dana. I wonder if she has anything of mine." "She does, Fox. Someday, she'll probably be just like you in some ways." Mulder smiled at his wife. "Know what?" "What?" He looked deeply into her blue eyes, and his smile deepened. "I wouldn't mind if she's like you in every way." "I bet you do," she said as she hugged him. "Do you remember when she was born?" "I do, Dana. Remember when we first saw her?" "You said that she was 'our little Scully,' meaning how much she looked like me." "She still does. She got her looks from her beautiful mother--you." Dana gave her husband a smile which lighted up her features. She knew that it was time to discuss a subject closer to her heart. "Fox, I was wondering if we can have another child?" "Another child?" Mulder inquired. He saw his wife's smile deepen. "Yes, I want us to have another child. The timing's right. Katherine will be three years old soon..." "You want her to have a sister or brother to play with?" Mulder asked as Dana nodded. "I would love another baby, Dana." Dana's eyes shone with happiness. She embraced him, and stroked his back. "After our trip, we'll start planning." Northeast Georgetown Medical Center Dana Scully-Mulder's room March 7, 1989 Mulder walked into his wife's room, and he noticed that she was breast feeding their new daughter. He gave his wife a kiss on the lips, and then bent down to kiss the newest member of their family. "Hi there, Katherine Dana Mulder." Dana looked up to see Mulder, and she teased him. "Aren't you going to say 'hi' to me?" "I kissed you on the lips. Isn't that the same thing?" Mulder asked, playfully. "I'm just teasing you, Fox." She cleaned off Katherine with a soft towel, and then she handed their baby to Mulder while she fixed her hospital gown. "She's only a day old, and I just can't get enough of her. She looks so much like me." Mulder nodded. "I know. You're the one who named her 'Katherine' for the very reason." He paused as he smiled at their baby. "I know what you mean. I can't get enough of her either." "All throughout my pregnancy, weren't you the one who wanted to name our daughter 'Dana'?" Mulder nodded. "I had this feeling that she was going to look like you. When I saw Katherine, nothing seemed to matter except the both of you." "I know what you mean," Dana said in agreement. "When I saw her, I felt so complete. At the same time, Fox, I know that we're going to have make some changes." "Like what?" "My job," she said with a sigh. She looked into her husband's hazel eyes. "It's something I'd been thinking about ever since I became pregnant. I had always wanted to practice medicine, but maybe, it's not a good idea." "I thought that you'd always wanted to practice." "I did. A part of me still does, but now, I don't know." She sighed. "Since giving birth to Katherine, I want to be with my family. If I'm a doctor, I'll be out every single hour of the day. I want to see our daughter grow up." "You want a career change?" "Not exactly...but something that will give me more time to be with you and Katherine." She paused as she decided to change the subject. "How's your case against Susanne Modeski?" "Fine. My SAC thinks that she'll be at some convention next week. We're tracking her down." "That's good. I wish that I could help you, Fox." "You already have." FBI Building Briefing Room May 5, 1998 11:00 a.m. "Fox, long time, no see," Diana Fowley said, as she approached him. "How are you?" Her brown eyes were filled with concern for her former partner. "I'm fine," Mulder said, quickly. Out of the corner of his hazel eyes, he saw Scully getting up from her chair to join them. "Mulder, aren't you going to introduce me to her?" Mulder turned around from Diana's gaze to see her walk up. "Scully, this is Diana Fowley. She was my former partner." It felt odd to him to reintroduce her to Diana as they had already met. He noticed that Scully didn't give any sign of her previous introduction to Diana. He turned to face Diana, who knew about Scully's selective amnesia. "Diana, this is Dana Scully. My partner." "Nice to meet you, Dana. I've heard a lot about you." "Really? Like what?" "That you've been his partner for almost six years now." "Is that all?" Scully asked, curious. For some reason, a surge of jealousy stirred within her. "That's all," Diana said, with a sigh. She didn't want to tell Scully about what happened previously when they first met. *She doesn't remember me. After all these years, I wonder why Fox never told Dana the truth.* "Come on, let's go to see Gibson Praise," Mulder said. They walked to the car in silence, and Scully got into the passenger side. With curiosity, she watched Diana climb into the back seat of the car. For some reason, she'd already started to hate her. *How come?* She turned to face Mulder, who was in the driver's seat, and she tried to gauge some kind of reaction from him, to no avail. Then she decided to ask Diana how she met Mulder. "Agent Fowley, how did you meet Mulder?" "Well...um...I met him when I first entered the FBI. We'd been friends for awhile, and then the Bureau assigned us to be partners in the Behavioral Science Unit. Shortly after that..." She almost said "his wife left him" to Scully when Mulder gave her a look which told her that she shouldn't tell Scully the truth. "What?" Mulder grasped the wheel tightly, and he sighed. "She helped me discover the X-Files, Scully." He knew that Diana wanted him to tell Scully the truth about their earlier relationship, but he had always stopped himself. Besides Diana, his mother and members of Scully's family, he was the only one who remembered his marriage to Dana Scully. Scully frowned. *Diana was there for him at the beginning, not me.* "When?" "In 1991," Mulder said, quietly. "I was going through a horrible time, Scully." He paused. "I'll explain everything..." "I hope so." Northeast Georgetown Medical Center February 7, 1991 Noon "You're going to be released today," the doctor said as he signed the release form. "You have some cuts and bruises, but you're free to go." Mulder nodded. "What about my wife? Dana Scully-Mulder." "She's going to be here for some time. She had some trauma to her brain." "What?! I need to see my wife!" Mulder got up from the bed, and dressed quickly in the clothes that his mother had left for him earlier that day. The doctor grabbed him. "You don't understand, Agent Mulder. Your wife suffered severe memory loss. She doesn't remember you." "What about our marriage? Our daughter?" "Nothing. She doesn't remember being married or having a daughter. In fact, she believes she's Dana Scully, not Dana Scully-Mulder. She doesn't think that she's married to anyone." "Oh my God," Mulder murmured softly. *Dana doesn't remember anything of our love.* "What about her job? Her medical training? What does she remember?" "She knows that she's a FBI agent, teaching forensic medicine. She knows she's a medical doctor. She remembers her parents and siblings, but she doesn't remember you. I'm sorry." Mulder felt he had been punched in the stomach after the doctor said that his wife doesn't remember him. He knew she'd had nightmares about this, but he had written it off. He told himself that everything would be fine. Before the accident, they even talked about having more children. "Can I see her?" "No. Her parents felt it's best that you don't see her." Mulder was devastated; he felt his heart had ripped into two sections. He wanted desparately to see her. *Dana would have wanted me to see her! I have to show her everything she'd written and the photo albums.* "I have to see her." "I'm sorry. You can't see her. Believe me, I think that it's best for her not to see you. If she does, it may be too risky. She might go into shock and suffer more memory loss." "Is it permanent?" The doctor nodded. "Yes. She'll never regain any of her memories. We, including her family, already decided that you should break all ties to Dana." When Mulder heard this, he was completely devastated. He felt numb without any emotion. This was exactly what Dana had feared would happen: that he would close down all emotion and lose the fight within him. "What?" "We think that you should annul the marriage. It would be easier for her to deal with if the marriage never existed." Mulder's eyes flashed with anger. "Are you forgetting the fact that Dana and I have a daughter? If I annulled our marriage, that would make our daughter illegitimate. It would also imply that *our daughter* wouldn't exist. I won't do that to Katherine." "All right then, we suggest that you divorce her." When Mulder heard that, he was extremely angry. "What kind of doctor are you for suggesting that I should divorce my wife?" "There's no hope that she'll ever regain her memories of you. I'm not the only one who believes this. We had a neurologist to look at her, and he said the same thing that I'm telling you. His recommendation was the same as mine: break all ties to her. Divorce her." "If I do, will she sign the papers?" "No. Her parents are going to sign on her behalf." Mulder weighed up what the doctor told him. *There's no hope, Dana. You'll never remember. I love you so much, and I have to set you free.* "I'll divorce her." "Good. I'll inform her parents. We'll have the papers ready for you to be signed tomorrow." Mulder was in total despair. His emotions were numbed from the news about Dana. He felt he was in his own real life nightmare. His Dana was lost to him now, and all he had left was Katherine. She was the only one who existed in his mind. He didn't want to see his daughter hurt that her mother didn't remember her, and knew she needed to be protected. "When they sign the papers, tell them that I'll never let them see Katherine again." En Route to Mrs. Mulder's Residence Greenwich, CT February 7, 1991 3:00 p.m. Mulder was driving around aimlessly after being released from the hospital. He needed some time to think by himself, especially after all that had happened. *Why did this happen to us? We were so happy. All of our life together was cut short in a stupid car accident!* He felt that he was drifting away on a boat with no one to pull him ashore. Without Dana, he was miserable. The only person that made him come back to shore was Katherine. Katherine was the only one from his marriage to Dana who still loved him. She was the only reason why he'd continue on without his wife. His daughter was the product of his love for Dana-they created Katherine out of their love for each other. End of Part One of Four Author's Notes: This story came to me in a dream, and I thought that it was an interesting plot to write. It got the juices flowing again. As much as I hated Diana Fowley, I wanted to explore why both Diana and Scully hated each other's guts. Both of them had their reasons to dislike each other. Complete thanks and dedications are at the end of part four. Feedback: I would like to receive positive, critical feedback so I can improve. Send to: eblair@sonic.net