TITLE: Changing the Cycles AUTHOR: Erin M. Blair E-MAIL: eblair@sonic.net / erinmblair@gmail.com FEEDBACK: Yes, please. DISTRIBUTION: OK to Gossamer, Ephemeral, Simply Devoted and MSR Fanfic Cheerleaders Archive. RATING: PG CATEGORIES: SRA -- Story, Romance, Angst KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully UST. SPOILERS: The End; all things, but this is a mid-episode of The End. DISCLAIMER: Scully, Mulder, and Diana Fowley belongs to Chris Carter. SUMMARY: Scully reflects on her past and future relationships after she flees to the safety of her car. NOTES: Special thanks to Cetan for beta reading. This is a special gift to Dev. She has supported me when I felt really down about my writing. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + When I saw Mulder and Diana holding hands, my first - and only - thought was to flee. I knew it was a cowardly thing to do, but I didn't want to face them. I walked straight in the opposite direction toward the parking garage where I was relieved to find my car. When I got into the car, I realized that I needed to put everything into perspective. But, I felt cold, empty, angry... and, I had to admit to myself, a little jealous. *More* that a little jealous. After a few minutes had rolled by, I decided to dial Mulder's cell phone number. And then, when I heard his voice, I knowingly lied to him. He wanted to see me then, but I told him that I would meet him later in the day at the basement office, away from having to look at Diana Fowley's face. God help me, I realized that I hated that bitch. I don't know how long that woman would be in DC. I was already picturing her on a plane to send her back to whatever slimy hole she'd slithered, scales, and all! This wasn't the first time I had fled. When I was in medical school, I was involved with my mentor, Daniel Waterston; however, I didn't know he was married. After I found out, I felt so ashamed of myself. We didn't become sexual, but he treated me with respect and care. I eventually came to realize that I didn't love him, nevertheless our relationship ruined his family life. I knew I should have taken a more courageous response to Daniel's lies. I believed he owed it to me to be truthful, especially since I told him about my past romances. Suffice to say, I left Daniel and his lies behind. And I felt guilty. Terribly guilty for what I had done to his family - his wife and his daughter, however unintentional it had been. After I finished my residency, I joined the FBI. I haven't looked back since. Over the years, I kept my feelings for any man, especially Mulder, carefully and extremely guarded. In retrospect, I realize now that I was trying to keep anyone from entering my heart, but I've since realized that continuing to do so is pointless. Mulder found the key to open my heart. I could have left years ago, but I never did. I realize now why I had always stayed with him. Despite our arguments, despite his constant ditching of me, despite his paranoia, despite my internal walls, it turned out to be quite simple, really: I am in love with Fox Mulder. Mulder helped me change my cycles of fleeing. The almost unthinkable question becomes: what about Diana Fowley? Who is she to Mulder, really? And will Mulder leave me? No matter what happens between us, I'll never leave the man I love. ~~ The End